You might be reading this because you know your parents want what’s best for you, but why does “what’s best for you” feel so wrong?
Most parents want you to choose the safer path. Some parents believe in it so much, they’ll imply there’s no other way…and to even consider otherwise would be a mistake. I didn’t really understand why, until I read this in one of Paul Graham’s essays:
All parents tend to be more conservative for their kids than they would for themselves, simply because, as parents, they share risks more than rewards. If your eight year old son decides to climb a tall tree, or your teenage daughter decides to date the local bad boy, you won’t get a share in the excitement, but if your son falls, or your daughter gets pregnant, you’ll have to deal with the consequences.
Paul Graham, How to Do What You Love
Once I read that, I was like, Oooooooooooohh. This is why I will never be able to convince them, and why they’re on a life-long campaign to ensure I’ll have a pension. To be fair, they were refugees who landed in America with nothing. They don’t want that to happen to me. I get it.
But it’s one thing to be empathetic, and another to let their views dictate what you do.
“Should I?” needs to be answered by you, and only you. Part of raising a child requires instilling family values, but as you grow into adulthood, your parents must respect the fact that you will ultimately create values for yourself.
The second part (“my parents keep telling me to”) comes from a fear of being wrong. It could come from your fear of failing or your fear of ignoring the wisdom of parents you respect, or it could come from your parents’ fear of you failing, projected onto you—their hearts unable to handle seeing you struggle.
Regardless, if you what to pursue what you love, you must do it on your own.
Managing your parents’ feelings is not your job, but if you are burdened by their opinion, these techniques may worth a shot. You can give them assurance that you are independent (i.e., won’t crash on their couch and eat their food to “do you what you love”), and proof of success (any results from side hustles, or stats on the industry based on your job search).
Or, if this is an option for you, you can keep all pursuits private until you’ve “made it.” Then their hearts are unburdened by worry (again, not your job, but if this is easier for you I’m all for it) and if you fail, they’ll never know the difference.
You may not want to keep them in the dark, but if you’re hoping for their approval, you may never receive it.
Whose approval do you want: theirs or yours? In the long run, I hope you choose you.
With love,
Mariam